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It takes all kinds of characters to make up a successful beer league hockey team. In today’s edition of THE ARMCHAIR ASSASSIN, we examine this fascinating culture. 

THE GOALIE: See last week’s blog. If you find a reliable one, never let him go.

THE ALWAYS LATE GUY: This guy isn’t satisfied unless he arrives when the Zamboni driver is on his last lap. Yet he’s incredibly adept at throwing his gear on in five minutes and always seems to be on the ice for puck drop.

THE GUY WHO NEVER PAYS: This guy never responds to emails. His attendance to any given game is a coin toss. You remind him every game that hockey isn’t free. His response is to give you whatever old, crumpled bills he has in his wallet until he’s finally paid-up halfway through the season. Dick.

THE RINGER: Also known as the goal scorer. Most of them think their shit doesn’t stink. They know not everyone can score goals and they hold it over your head like they have a superpower. They like playing a division lower than they should be playing so they can dominate the score sheet. That being said, every team needs a ringer.

THE OVERLY INTENSE GUY: This guy has one speed – BALLS OUT.  You tell him to calm the hell down at least once per game. He yells at refs, beaks at the other team and annoys his own teammates by drawing up breakouts on the bench. But when you’re playing a rugged team and things get chippy, you love having him on your side.

THE SMELLY GEAR GUY: No one wants to sit beside this asshole. His equipment only exits his bag when he puts it on before games. He doesn’t air it out after games and he certainly never washes it.  Chances are he keeps it in the back of his truck with his snowmobile. His gear smells like a rotting corpse and he’s proud of it.

THE PROUD OF HIS LARGE UNIT GUY: This guy can also be called “Always Naked Guy”.  His unit looks like a baby’s arm in a boxing glove and he loves showing it off.  He likes hockey, but LOVES showering.

THE YOUNG GUY: The young guy has more energy than brains.  He takes ridiculously long shifts and over-celebrates goals. But he comes in really handy when you have a short bench.

THE OLD GUY: The old guy hates the young guy and will frequently make jokes about his inability to grow facial hair.  The old guy conserves his energy and prefers a positional game to avoid excessive skating. But don’t ever call the old guy lazy. You will get a long ass lecture about his “heyday” playing for the St. Boniface Seals or Kildonan Stars.

THE MANAGER: It takes a special breed to properly manage the collection of Neanderthals that make up a beer league hockey team. Collecting money, sending out emails, hauling around pucks and water bottles, finding spares – none of it is any fun. They routinely show up grouchy because they’ve spent the entire day scouring for spares. If anything it’s the managers that should play for free, not the goalies.